Demon Haunted Times from Skeptic magazine Vol. 10 No. 3
LYNCHBURG, VA–Parents of students at Gerry Callwell elementary held a rally yesterday to protest the school’s zero tolerance policy.
Protestors explained that what started off as a simple ban against paraphernalia connected to the popular Harry Geller series of children’s books has escalated. Students are now being suspended for doing anything that seems even remotely connected to the paranormal.
“The book burning was fun, but now I’m outraged!” thundered Maj. Donald James, whose son, Eddie, was suspended for two weeks for drawings considered to be the result of “remote viewing” into the girl’s locker room. “My son was just doodling. Doodling!”
“My son uses crutches because he has a broken leg, not because he wants to find water,” insisted parent Tom Graves with tears in his eyes. Tom Jr. was suspended one week for “water witching” on school property. “We’ve never allowed Harry Geller into our house, anyway,” added Graves.
The Harry Geller books, authored by KJ Howling, have spawned a series of movies, toys, and boy band logos all aimed at children with discretionary income. The books chronicle the adventures of an Israeli boy chosen by a sphere of light to attend the Hexenschule School of Paranormal Powers in Klagenfurt, Austria.
There he learns how to use his mind to bend spoons, stop and start watches, sprout radish seeds, remote view, and moonwalk, among other activities. Parents claim that their children have not demonstrated such abilities.
“Why can’t they use some common sense?” asked Daniel Blanes. “If a student goes flying around in a Harry Geller t-shirt interfering with compass needles and stopping giant clocks in London, that’s one thing. But all my daughter did was accidentally drop a spoon. That’s how it got bent. She’s no spoon-bending demon!” Davina Blanes was suspended for three days for telekinesis.
The latest victim of the school’s zero tolerance stance was honor student Jeffrey Grant. He was expelled after handing in a creative writing assignment about a hog with warts. The subject matter warranted a closer look so the teacher ran it through a computer program. After three hundred more tries and a dozen changes to the program, the teacher discovered a hidden code containing overt threats towards schoolmates.
“I don’t know how those threats got in there. I’ve never even seen Harry Geller or read any of the books,” pleaded Grant at the rally before policemen in riot gear removed him from school property.
The rally was organized by Andy Cunningham whose daughter, Kathy, was the first to be suspended under the policy. She was accused of bringing tarot cards to school. According to Cunningham, the cards were from a Monopoly game. He has vowed to clear his daughter’s name.
“Perhaps if we parents protest this pathetic paranormal prohibition we will possibly put pressure on the principal to stop punishing the pupils,” pontificated Cunningham, who also publishes “I Wish It Wasn’t True,” an anti-zero tolerance email list.
Principal and school founder, Dr. Callwell says the parents don’t realize what is at stake. He believes that Harry Geller is a “gateway cult to Satanism.” He defends his school’s policy as a case of tough love.
“In this day and age, we cannot take any chances,” preached Callwell. “Harry Geller is a way for Satan to assign his syllabus of evil right into the minds of our children. The devil is working overtime to legitimize his anti-American, public television, homosexual, gun control, women’s lib, SpongeBob Squarepants, liberal media agenda. But we aim to fight him every inch of the way.”
Callwell points out the even the faculty has not been immune to the zero tolerance rules.
“We had to fire our female janitor when we caught her with a broom,” related Callwell. “Our staff will not be infiltrated by those wicked Wiccans.”