Demon Haunted Times from Skeptic magazine Vol. 11 No. 2
VEGA SOLAR SYSTEM—The Appropriations Committee of the Intergalactic Confederation voted yesterday not to renew the 13-trillion-dollar grant for human abduction research routinely awarded to the Zenron corporation.
The decision was based on a recent investigation that raised many questions concerning Zenron’s possible misuse of grant money. Committee Chairman Vobert Zark claims Zenron has been squandering funds for years.
“This is a clear case of fraud,” announced Zark. “We’ve reviewed their findings and we can’t believe we’ve wasted taxpayer money on this.” Another investigation has been ordered to look at possible criminal charges.
The report reveals that Zenron had problems from the beginning. Although the first grant was obtained in 1947, the first abduction did not occur until the 1960s. Early attempts failed when inexperienced pilots crashed their ships before abductions could take place. Once the abductions finally began, the experiments were crude and simplistic.
“All they did is poke around and stick things in different places,” said Zark, waving a list of scores of experimental results that all reported the same thing: “Subject winced in pain.” “They never moved on. In fact, they kept abducting the same people over and over again! I don’t know where all the money went, but it didn’t go to the project.”
A section of the report lists lost instruments, carelessly left in abductees’ bodies. The report also detailed pranks of Zenron researchers who enjoyed tinkering with the abductees’ clocks and watches. But the most shocking revelation of the report concerned allegations of sexual misconduct on the part of Zenron employees.
“We have testimony of those close to the project that some abductors took advantage of their abductees,” declared Zark. “Pregnancies occurred and hybrids were born. Thankfully they were taken away before the humans could see them.”
Zenron spokeman, Varzur Vanderzon defended his company’s record.
“Human abduction research is very difficult and time consuming,” insisted Vanderzon. “Especially when you have to screen out all the non-believing humans whose skeptical powers are too difficult to overcome with our tractor beams.” Vanderzon stressed that what Zenron was doing was scientifically valid.
“I find it amazing that a group of non-scientists is trying to tell Zenron that what we do is wasteful and irrelevant,” remarked Vanderzon. “You complain that we do the same experiment over and over again? Apparently you’ve never heard of the scientific method of replication. You wonder why we use the same abductees? Then you’ve never heard of a control group!”
On Earth, the reaction to the committee’s ruling has not been positive.
“I’ll have to check the want ads tomorrow,” complained author and former Harvard University janitor, Vaughn Jack, who wrote the groundbreaking book, Passport to Big Money: What Alien Visitation Means to Me. “The committee doesn’t realize how many people will be affected by this.”
“I’m disappointed,” admitted Betsy Hinn of New Hampshire. She and her husband Barry were two of the first humans ever abducted. “I had gotten used to their visits. I’ll miss them terribly, especially the one I called ‘The Examiner.’ What a nice fellow.”
Other Intergalactic Confederation contractors are worried about their own research grants.
“This is not a good precedent,” said Zohn DeVellis, spokesman for Galaxy Crossing, whose cattle mutilation grant is up for renewal. “Cracking the Bovine Code is still many years away.”
“We are concerned,” concurred Vartha Zewart, spokesmodel for the Zemclone corporation, whose 100-trillion-dollar crop circle funding expires next year. “We have many designs we have yet to test.”