Homeopathic Killer Still on the Loose

Demon Haunted Times from Skeptic magazine Vol. 11 No. 3

LOS ANGELES, CA—No arrests have been made as police continue to search for the person responsible for putting homeopathic poison into people’s drinks throughout the Los Angeles area. Residents have been living in fear as the number of victims continues to rise. No one has died yet, but officials are not optimistic.

“Unfortunately, it’s just a matter of time,” warned police detective Samson Mannehahn. “Homeopathic principles state that the more you dilute something, the more powerful it becomes. This sicko diluted the poison thousands of times. I’m surprised all the victims didn’t die immediately.”

The first known attack by the “Homeopathic Killer,” a nicknamed coined by the media, was at the downtown alternative coffee shop, “Cafe Chakra.” A patron, identified as Patrick Luther, 36, was drinking a double vibrating energy latte. Two days later, a note was found claiming that homeopathic poison was slipped into Luther’s drink.

“I couldn’t believe it,” cried Luther from his home in Burbank. “After the police called and told me what happened, I told my wife that I loved her and then called my parents. Thank God, I’ve remained alive long enough to help out with the funeral arrangements.”

Three days after the Luther incident, more notes began turning up on a daily basis. So far, the total is 23. Police are concerned how far the killer might go.

“If this terrorist pours any homeopathic poison into the ocean, we’ll have to shut down all of the beaches. That would be an ecological disaster worse than the Exxon Valdez,” stated Mannehahn.

Police are researching whether or not these latest crimes are connected with previous criminal acts related to homeopathy. Last year, a Santa Monica boy died at Alternative Health Hospital while receiving a homeopathic blood transfusion. In another incident, a popular West Hollywood oxygen bar closed down when patrons passed out after trying a new “homeopathic oxygen” tank. Both cases remain unsolved.

Utilizing all possible resources, police have enlisted the help of famed psychic Olivia Browns who, through her 30 year old Spirit Guide, Frank, is searching for the killer’s “life blueprint” in the “House of Records” on the “Other Side of Life.”

“We’ll find out who this monster is,” predicted Browns. “In the meantime, all I can say is that if any of the current victims turn up missing, we’ll find them near a body of water or in a wooded area. Oh, and if your name is Steven and you drive a red Dodge Aries, you have cancer. Go see a doctor.”

Mannehahn stresses that citizens should go about drinking just like they normally would.

“We don’t want this to disrupt anyone’s life,” maintained Mannehahn. “Just make sure that you never leave an open container unguarded, and do not, under any circumstances, dilute what you drink. That would only make matters worse.”

Meanwhile, doctors at Alternative Health Hospital are working on a vaccine. Using the homeopathic principle of “like cures like,” the experts are concocting a homeopathic poison of their own. Once they’ve matched the amount of dilutions made by the killer, any victim will be able to drink the antidote and ensure their survival.

“This evil-doer may not have any respect for the laws of the land, but nothing can violate the Law of Similars,” said Mannehahn.

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