Demon Haunted Times from Skeptic magazine Vol. 11 No. 4
GOLDEN PALACE, HEAVEN–The creator of the cosmos put the entire human race for sale last week on eBay. God, who created the species just 10,000 years ago, says he never thought he’d sell what many consider the pinnacle of his creation.
“I didn’t think anyone would be crazy enough to buy them,” admitted God. “Then I saw a bidder pay $28,000 for a picture of my son breaking apart a grilled cheese sandwich at the Last Supper. That’s when I knew anything could be sold online.”
Or so he thought. Despite the opening price of $0.01, there have been no bids thus far. The 7 day listing ends Sunday.
“I don’t want to just throw them away in the garbage,” said God. “I won’t even charge for shipping and handling.”
Initially, eBay pulled the auction thinking it was a joke. But after a few emails, God convinced them the auction was legitimate.
“I know they want to protect buyers, but c’mon, I have a 99% positive feedback rating!” proclaimed God. “The only negative comments I have are from delinquent buyers who wanted a free gift, but didn’t want to pay for it.”
Now into his late infinities, God no longer has the patience to deal with human beings.
“Why should I put up with this?” asked God while holding up the latest ratings for the hit TV reality show Religious Idol. “I place them in charge of all my creation and all they want to do is watch wanna-be cult leaders compete against each other while some guy with a British accent lobs vicious critiques.”
After waiting thousands of years for human value to rise, God is ready to move on.
“Some of them don’t even believe in me,” complained God. “And the ones who do get all the specifics wrong! Only the Reorganized Church of the Reformed Latter-Seventh-Day Hare Krishna Saints of Muslim Science comes anywhere close.”
There are a few humans God says he will miss like the one who played the androgynous character “Pat” on the TV show Saturday Night Live.
“Letting go of him or her won’t be easy,” confessed God. God maintains he does not regret creating humans, despite their shortcomings.
“I’d been creating nonstop for six literal days,” recalled God. “I was plumb out of ideas until I saw some dust on the ground and got inspired. Afterwards, I was so exhausted I had to retire. That was pre-Atkins, so I wasn’t in very good shape.”
The human race isn’t the only thing God is selling. Other auctions in God’s eBay store include the Horsehead Nebula, thunderbolts, and an autographed LP of The Beatles’ Magical Mystery Tour.
Once humans are sold, God plans to breathe a soul into another species.
“I’ve always had a fondness for beetles, but there are too many species to choose from,” mused God. “Then again, why start with something organic? Maybe I’ll breathe life into a leisure suit or a ’57 Chevy. At least they won’t eat forbidden fruit.”
News of the online auction sparked heavy trading in planet Earth stock (COSMOSTOCK: GAIA) which closed the week up 67% at $4.52.
Here is the item description from eBay: “You are bidding on the species Homo sapiens. No Reserve! SOLD AS IS. Only wiped out once. Made in my own image. 100% intelligently designed with only minor flaws such as wisdom teeth, male baldness, varicose veins, and the back, knee and hip joints. At the time, I thought it was good. Serious bidders only. No warranty (voided in Eden). California and Mount Olympus residents add 8.25% sales tax. Seller prefers praise, but will accept PayPal.